“Hey,” my boyfriend looked up from his carving and into a face that was scowling. My face was puckered consternation. “Don’t be overwhelmed.” He chided gently, knowing that I am quickly there. I crossed my arms to hunker into a childish pout. This made him laugh and then tease, “Do you remember how happy you were three hours ago?” I grinned to recall, nodding my concession begrudgingly. He claimed victory by loving reminder, “Nothing has changed Amber. Everything is still good. Relax, you are just fine.”
I don’t always feel like everything is going to be “just fine” and I already have everything in life that I could ever need. I know “just fine” on tired days, on “I am never going to make it days.” I know in the back of my mind that everything is “just fine.” I am already more than OK. Why then? Why can’t I allow myself to settle into comfort, especially with every joy already here?
I am not comfortable. I can’t be comfortable because I am inspired by life, which is ironic, for the longest time I thought I was suffering from depression. How long in time? As far back as I can remember, childhood, it has been since childhood. I’ve been inspired the entire time, but I couldn’t realize the magnitude, nor could I understand the angst. When I was a little girl I believed that there was something wrong with me. My mother had no other choice but to agree. She did what she could and that good was therapy.
I did not like therapy, and yet I have agreed to go in various duration, eventually and finally seeking it out as the only tool that could save me from inevitable destruction. My last therapist died of a brain tumor and so I think of her often, wondering if the advice she gave me right before she passed was sane.
She said, “You need to stop thinking like a poor person Amber.”
Six months later she was gone. I often reflect on the power of someone’s last words. She knew she was going to die before she could help me. I didn’t even know she was sick. That’s the funny part. I learned of her battle only after I called a favorite professor of mine. “You do know that she is dead Amber?”
I whispered it like an epiphany and it was. Her death was a powerful passage in my history.
I realized when I was very young that I am powerful. I knew it like a prodigy lab rat trapped in a maze of time. I was born with every thought I will ever have already there, wired, but still not connected. My life is an experiment, set by who?
Maybe you do not believe in God.
Maybe you think that my ideas are all nonsense and these words are just ramblings.
I don’t know what to say to that, other than there is a reason I do not like to talk to smart people. I don’t want to know what everyone else already knows. I want to know what has not yet been taught. Who will teach me that, other than my imaginary friend and yes, his name is God. Why wouldn’t I align myself with the most powerful being in the symbiotic universe? Do you understand that it happens at a cellular level?
SYMBIOSIS: (source Wikipedia) Endosymbiosis is any symbiotic relationship in which one symbiotic lives within the tissues of the other, either within the cells or extracellular.
What if God lives within me?
What if God lives so far beyond me that he makes up the whole of the universe, but he keeps our world in his cell? We are the tissue with too much time in the middle.
Isn’t that the continuum? Time. Isn’t that what time is? A continuum…
How do we breach the gap of light years?
It has been or can be done. Space travel is that proof, I think.
How do we go further still, because we are stagnant developmentally? I can’t speak for the world, but I am of that affliction. My mind is not getting me anywhere and I feel like it should be. We will run out of time if we keep progressing at this rate. Humans have come to serve the high purpose of consumption and we all know what happens to locusts on crops. If science has proven that our world will die someday, do you really think God intends for us to go with it? It would make sense that we fulfill the prophecy to return home, but then we also need to understand that we have a purpose for NOW.
Right now, this day, TODAY, we are here on earth.
I have the deepest love for people, all people. There is not one soul in this world that I could not love, though there are some I have cast out and away from me. There are people here in this world that swallow all good energy because they are themselves swallowed. How many people feel like they are drowning and no one is available with a rope? I’ve felt that way myself. I’ve even come close to drowning in my own tears. My friends all know me as the happiest girl in the world, and I am. I also know despair, loss, and death.
What if I choose to be happy through the worst? Could I be happy through the worst?
The Pursuit of Happiness. #America
I’m sitting here at 7:40 am on a Monday thinking about being happy through the worst and while I am thinking about HAPPY I am that person, but when I start to relive that worst I thought I could brave, I find that my face begins to scowl, my spirit begins to sink, and I no longer believe in anything except that writing this blog was all kinds of stupid. It’s not like my writing makes me money. I even hear rumors that it may be costing me business, and yet…
I am happy when I think about happy. When I think about HAPPY everything is possible, even God, and especially heaven. I am the happiest when I am happy, and I today I am. Today is a great day for smiling, and I will. I will do that too. Today I will smile often to welcome this blessed life, because I know truth, this truth and many.
Today is the best day of my life.