I had a dream last night that brought forth more unsettling. I do not feel settled. I do not feel safe. I do not know what is going to happen in my future.
My dream was about the future. It felt like that scene at the end of a great movie. The man I was with smiled at me as he brushed a curl away from my neck. His fingers were warm and I was shocked by them. I didn’t want it to be him. It was not supposed to be him. Where is Josh?
It was an awakening to realize that life had not gone the way I wanted and I wanted Josh. My heart plunged to see myself removed from his company. This man was a stranger, and yet my dream told me that he was not. He spoke to me like I wanted him to be there with him, like we had been making plans. “You can help me build the foundation of the house, Amber.” He said from the helm. We were on a boat. Myself tucked inside a soft blanket which I was clinging to. The sun was bright, but the air was cold.
I examined him while I thought of us pouring concrete together. I didn’t know anything about building houses, but I did know that I would want to write my name in the cement before it dried. I wondered if this man would let me. I wondered if he would think to write my name for me. Maybe he would carve it out in the middle of a love shaped heart. Maybe this man loves me? Josh loved me. Why is Josh not here?
I realized then that the choice had not been mine, but I had found a new life beyond what I had wished for. The dream wanted me to allow myself to be happy in it. I woke finally to numb grief.
I’m not dreaming anymore. I am quite awake and I will tell you that it makes me uncomfortable to realize that I really only have one person I can trust to count on. Love really is conditional isn’t it. I keep wanting someone in my life to tell me, “Hey, I am here. I am not going anywhere. You will not end up in the fear you carry because I will not let it be. I could not be happy with you gone.”
Of course he could be happy without me. He’s with me now because I make him happy now. Of course he is not going to stay where he is not happy. You better make sure he always happy or you will be building a foundation in a different life….
Writing it makes me cry and then I do not want to cry so what can I do but fill my life with OTHER love. Love that includes talent, and friendship, and reaching out in kindness to help others.
What if there really is no one left to count on?
You know of course there will always be someone.
Someone to count on.
You can count on me.
I count on me.
I love myself unconditionally.