My boyfriend told me yesterday that he is feeling pressure to conform to my ideals. He said I tell him ways he comes up short until he feels short. I make him feel less than deserving.
I take ownership, complete ownership. My standard is too high. It has always been too high and that is not to say I think of myself any better or more capable. I make myself feel less than deserving by the strenuous pace I’ve set for achievement. “I can’t win.” I know exactly how he feels to be with me. He feels like he can’t win. I feel exactly the same way and that’s why I think about quitting.
I set the bar so high I need an eagles eyes to see that far. “Jesus Christ Amber. Are you a f*cking Narcassist or what!? You need to pull your head out of your ass and come back to earth. You aren’t going anywhere but around in circles cupcake. You think you are special, but you’re not. People like you should stick to taking pretty pictures.”
I can do that. My life can be simple. It can be easy. It can be sweet. I do not need to fight any battle because war does not exist in my front yard and my home is quiet, gentle, and warm. I can carry empathy for those who are suffering without absorbing a painful soul. I can stay put to take pictures for families that span generations until my own flesh is tattered by years, but oh the memories and the pictures. Yes, I am already a girl who takes pretty pictures. I can just be her.
Except I can’t be. I am filled with turmoil and angst. I considered that I might be an internet troll after me engagements yesterday. I considered until I found an immediate article on Psychology Today that said “INTERNET TROLLS ARE NARCASSISTS PSYCHOPATHS & SADISTS.” (Click Here)
Yikes.. back the f*ck up! I am NOT going to commit to any of those things. Can’t you just call me a QUESTIONING BULLY?? I troll the internet with questions and reflections. I target the smartest and brightest people because I want to know the most about them. When I was a little girl my teachers sat me down in front of a computer and they told me that the internet is a research tool. I wanted to be the smartest girl in class. I still want to be the smartest girl in class.
I have more trolling to do. 😉
Yesterday I picked on a photographer in Colorado named Brett Seeley. I started following Brett because I am also a photographer, and he has mastered lighting and composition. I wonder about his study as I study. Brett ONLY takes pictures of beautiful FIT people. He goes on rants about how he could never be a baby photographer and he says it in a way that belittles. The guy is worshiped on the internet and abroad. People love and adore him without ever seeing wrong, and of course then I speculate, because when one hits “IDOL” status do we not all wonder what they are doing right and what we are doing wrong?
I watch him and I ask myself, “What would I do differently?”
I will tell you three things:
1) If I were Brett Seeley I would revise my business model.
2) I would apologize to my female clients for assuming that women only prefer working with female boudoir photographers. The truth about women is that we prefer CHOICE, and boudoir is all about the fantasy… Can you have a fantasy about a super sexy male photographer taking your pictures while you are half-dressed and unavailable for more than teasing… I am only teasing 😉
3) I would thank Amber Garibay (The Narcissist) for asking her question. “Is it legal to exclude men as options? Can a business advertise, “WE HAVE A ‘FEMALE ONLY’ BOUDIOUR PHOTOGRAPHY TEAM?” I asked Brett Seeley if he considered that he could be sued. He replied to say that he did hire male photographers, but that they are not allowed on to be on the boudoir team. I encroached, warning him that I am fearful that he may be setting himself up for a possible discrimination lawsuit. He should thank me for continuing to research.
If I were a troll I would not hide under a bridge. I’d be Shrek and my best friend would be a donkey. Please do not call him am ass.