I don’t like to think about my weight. It for that reason I do not own a scale. It offends me when I go to the doctor and they insist that my weight be measured, like it matters, like it means something. Not once in all of my years has a doctor mentioned anything about the fluctuation and I have been all sorts of sizes through the years.

Today I am a size that can not fit the jeans I wore last year. I can’t fit in the next size up I got for Christmas either. I have a brand new pair of Miss Me jeans that I was only able to wear twice before I ate myself into the next size. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I do know that I no longer fit in the closet of clothes I am said to wear. I find the truth both amusing and terrifying.

This is all mental. My weight, my health, the quality of my life… the battle is in my head. I know I can succeed if only I am able to master the art of ‘ME’. I need to change the way I think about myself. What do I think of myself? Perhaps I need to identify that first?

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) focuses on changing how you think about yourself, how you act, and circumstances that surround how you act. It is an effective treatment for a wide range of problems, including weight loss.

My personal belief is that people who struggle with weight should hire a therapist before they ever consider throwing money at a personal trainer. In fact, that is exactly the course I took when I knew I was in trouble last time. I called a favorite college professor to ask for a referral, “Help! I need the best. I need someone who is going to call me out on my own bullsh*t.”

I lost seventy pounds after that and I was only able to afford therapy for a short duration. I had no medical to cover the bill and so it was that I forked out $100 weekly just so I could talk.

I was often irritated in therapy. I could not afford the luxury of being there, both by money and by time. My psyche demanded to get ‘bang for my buck’. If I was going to therapy it better be to the means of a cure. I don’t have time to wallow around sobbing about feelings. In a perfect world I would not feel at all. My feelings hinder productivity.

I ran out of money before I found any real answers. I was in counseling for only three months. Six months later I was separated from my husband of seventeen years. The dream house I had worked my life to finally live in was going away too. I lost most of the rest of my worldly possessions too and by choice. I sold off my belongings so I had time for the gym. I quit my own business for the exact same reason. I needed time to restructure my being. I refused to keep being the same person I had been.

I kept the weight off for almost three years. I even went so far as to earn three certifications in personal training so that I could help other people just like me.  I thought I was going to make it. I thought I could become the person I see myself being. I thought I was going to accomplish my goals and live my dreams. I thought…

Here I am now. Back to where I started. The same person. The same problems. The same struggle. The same body coming back to what it used to be. I can’t wear shorts because I am mortified with embarrassment. I don’t want my boyfriend to see me naked and what does he really think of me now that he is dating a fat chick instead of the fit girl he first knew? How can I get back on track? How do I begin?



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