Dear Tracy Benson​,

I pulled up a map of the world today just so I could imagine traveling it. I remember writing that I would come visit you in Wales someday, but I fear I may never make it further that my back yard. I thought I was a woman going places in life. I believed it actually. I believed I could make my life be what I want and then I realized that life is what it wants, not my wants.

I guess it had to be that I came colliding back to reality. Dreams are only realized as real by action. What steps should I take to become who I want to be? What tools should I use? What will be the price? There is always a price. What can I afford to give up in penance?

“they have begged for freedom, and any time you beg another man to set you free, you’ll never be free. Freedom is something that you have to do for yourselves.”

Tracy, I want you to know that it means something to me that you wrote to ask about my fitness and most especially my writing. Becoming a writer has been a most challenging and sometimes daunting undertaking. Nearly every part of my immediate universe has balked it as an asinine fantasy. I have people close to me who insist that it is my writing, my blog, that ruined my life. I have others who tell me that my photography business has suffered because of my choice to write. I have even had some suggest that my choice to share so openly is a symptom of mental illness and that life’s high and lows make me bipolar.

Then I have you on the other side of the word asking, “Amber, please tell me you are still writing. I need you for motivation and inspiration.”

This video was published Oct 17, 2012. Today I am at least 30 pounds heavier. 

I would rather live life for you Tracy. I would rather be the success you ask for than the success my reality insists I be. You allow me the freedom to become. Thank you for that. I would love to be a reason for inspiration. I would also like to be proof that success is possible. As for my fitness…

liz hayes

Liz Hayes sent me this text yesterday. Day FOUR of our back on track mission April 2015. 

I could write a book about how to succeed in fitness. I should write a book. Instead, I think I will make the time to go for a run today. I think I should probably go now before I find excuses not to go. I have been making excuses to avoid working out and I have been eating everything and anything I want to. The results are that I have grown out in rolls and lumps and I no longer feel good about myself. I am not sure I felt good about myself when I was fit and trim either though. I wonder if I can write myself differently? Can I write until I become the image I have in my head? Can I write until I am success? Will I succeed? Can I succeed?



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