Three days back I decided to reinvest myself in fitness. It’s six in the morning right now and I’m eating a cookie. Last night’s dinner was a martini, a vodka cran, and fried jalapenos. Desert was a fudge covered brownie rolled in sea salt. I dipped it in berry sauce before lathering it with whipping cream.
I did manage to go the gym, but if you were to ask me about my workout I wouldn’t have much to tell. I showed up. I pushed some heavy stuff without a plan of action and I decided to save my cardio for the run I had scheduled later in the day.
I did not run later in the day. I ran out of time, so I stopped to apologize to my running buddy and I drove to the restaurant instead. “I am meeting a bride for drinks and a picture delivery. I will run after I promise.”
I did not feel like anything but the couch after I left my meeting. I really love my couch. I do not want to give up my couch. Or pizza. Or wine. Or chocolate. Or coffee. Or bacon sandwiches…
It’s interesting to me, upon reflection, that I am not willing to give up so many loves and yet I feel like I have given up on myself. I do not want to be this way and yet I keep making choices that create me. Why? I ask myself why every day.
I do not want to be the kind of person who does not taste life to its fullest. I don’t want to be that girl looking over my menu for the healthiest option when I really want to order the best flavor. I most certainly to not want to be thinking about calories or worrying about food. Food is something people worry about when they are hungry. I do not want to be hungry. I do not want to be sober all the time either. True story. I love life that has a buzz to it, a pulse to it. I do not want to live my life contrived, in perfect order.
What’s wrong with perfect order? I try to imagine my life lived by only RIGHT choices. What if I had chosen the run after and ordered water while at my meeting? My client would not love me less. There would be no worse for wear and yet the idea seems like a betrayal. I WANT TO HAVE FRIED JALAPENOS!!!!!!
I did not love my fried jalapenos this morning. I sat in the bathroom gripped by agony, huddled and folded in on myself, while the spicy food burned out the remains of my insides. Much like a hangover I promised, “NEVER. I will never eat those again.”
I will give up those things I love…
Today is my day three of the Ultimate Oxygen Challenge. The actual challenge begins on July 15th and the program information will be revealed at that time. I decided to commit to make needed changes upon enrollment and this blog is my accountability. I will be writing through this journey.#TeamAmber #TeamErin #TeamBrianne