I’M GOING TO SWING FROM THE CHANDELIER

The bottom drops out of my soul when the evening sets in. I tell myself to work, to work through it, but I can’t concentrate.

I tell myself to focus. I hold my own arms to wrap around my chest so that I can hold onto myself, so I won’t let go of myself.

He holds my hands in his and he says, “Do NOT be sad. You are winning. I promise you. Everything is OK.”

SAFE. BREATH. RELAX.

I was told by someone once that in order to succeed in business I will need to keep my personal life separate and preferably quiet. I do not share that philosophy, though I agree with the need for separation. I can not work when I am emotional. I am an emotional being. It has taken some years to allow my feelings to become intelligence.

I did not write for the first ten years of my business. I was reserved and appropriate. I am still that way, with an extension. I am now a writer. I write the way singers sing songs. I am freed by the tune of what my soul wants the say about life and am most often inspired by music. ‪#‎Sia‬ – Elastic Heart feat. Shia LaBeouf & Maddie Ziegler

Tonight I want to swing from the chandelier. I want to dance like life will allow me grace, for my body to bend until I can not be broken. I will not be broken. I am broken. I am hurt. I am hurting.

I do not want it to be true and so I make every good choice I can to make and I use the power that I have to plant seeds for a shelter. I will be my own shelter.

Sometimes the nights feel like every fear I have will win. He asked me what I fear the most. I can list them.

1) I am afraid that I am to blame.
2) I am afraid that I will not be accepted
3) I am afraid of hurting other people
4) I am afraid I will give up because I am afraid to face more of what I know to be true.
5) I am afraid that my life is not important
6) I am afraid I will run out of time to change it.
7) I am afraid that I will never know a love that can’t be undone.
8) I am afraid I can not save anyone from death.
9) I am afraid to be forgiven, there is no excuse.
10) I am afraid that psychologists read my blogs and diagnose me with their friends.
11) I am afraid that I will not meet enough people who are like me.
12) I am afraid to know if people really like me.
13) I am afraid to admit that I care because I shouldn’t.
14) I am afraid of becoming my fear.
15) I am afraid I am already too naked in a clothed society.

As I swing from my chandelier I am thankful. I am glad that my pendulum sparkles. Miley Cyrus got stuck with a wrecking ball.

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