I am in love with someone who is very special to me. I met this man and all at once everything that I had hoped to find was mine. He was exactly what I wanted before I knew all of him.
I am sure that he feels exactly the same about me. I was a shiny diamond in the beginning. He pursued me like I was a treasure. It was the happiest time in my romantic life and I was the luckiest woman in the world to have found him. For about five months time…
Then all at once I was nothing. He ended it just like that. The best explanation he could find was, “I can’t spend the rest of my life helping you find your keys.”
Then we came back together because he couldn’t quite let go of me and I never wanted him to. Then he left me again and this time things were different, this time he moved on with other people. The woman he chose was not just any woman. She found him from reading my blogs. She found him because I write about my life and love. She took him because she knew she could. It was all my fault. My writing was ruining my life just like everyone warned me it would.
“Give up your blog Amber. Don’t you see the problems it causes?
I was destroyed to the point of being mentally ill. Sick. I could not function. I was not right in the head. I was not OK and there was no one in the entire world that could save me from my grief. I did not cry for days. I cried for more than a month. I cried every day until the day love brought us together once again.
I didn’t plan on seeing him again. My car was heading one way and his was going the other. I knew it was him just as soon as I saw the silver of his jeep. I squinted to make out the driver until he was close enough to see my face. He was looking at me as I was looking at him. He did not look happy. He looked sad. I was even more sad than that.
I did not know he began trying to contact me after our passing. I had blocked him from texts and phone calls. I removed myself from facebook. I quit writing. I blocked 854 people on Facebook because I wanted to disappear myself, but I needed to be online for my business. Unfriending people made them gone. Blocking them made me gone. I wanted to quit life because I realized that life is disposable. I felt like trash until I became trash. I was taking out the trash when he stopped into my business to beg me to listen. “Please. Please just let me talk to you.”
“No,” I could barely find my voice. “You broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I do not want to see you again. Not ever.” I shut the door in his face and he drove away. I slumped to the floor, more tears, wishing that I had not just lived through yet another good-bye. I did not want to say good-bye. Three days later I agreed we should talk.
He admitted that he hadn’t paid me too much mind after our break-up, that the woman he had met was amazing, an “alpha female just like you.”
I was both angry and jealous to hear him describe her. My face was flat and my tone was empty when I said at last, “I am glad that you are happy now.” I did not mean it. I was not glad to know that he had found my better replacement. I was not happy to know that I could be replaced at all.
He grabbed my shoulders and implored, “Don’t you understand what I am trying to say to you?”
My mind had a scathing reply, but the truth was that I had no idea. “No. I do not understand any of this.”
“She’s not you!!” his face was full of words that his mouth could not find. “She will never be you. I came back for you.”
There is a part in every love story where a broken heart is mended by clarity. I was redeemed to know that he loves me. “He loves me?” my heart whispered the question. “If he loves me now what has changed?”
The very same heart answered, “He’s loved you all the while. He just did not realize. Of course he loves you! How could he not?”
One year later I will tell you that ‘Happily Ever After’ did not come. The woman he had been dating before his realized love for me did not go away. She continued to write him. She sent him voice recordings and pictures. His favorite television show was just one reason of many she needed to pop in to say “Hi”. “Can you believe the winner of Survivor?” To make things worse he did not slam the door shut. They Skype their good-byes and his to her was just too sweet for me to handle. “I am in love with two women…”
It crushed me to read his words to her and I was doing so without his permission. I began to go through his computer. I read his emails. I read everything that he wrote about me, but couldn’t say to my face. I read every word he wrote to her. He called her, “Angel Eyes.” He calls me “Angel Face.”
I became a stalker which only added more torture to my being. I devolved until I became needy, mistrusting, and insecure. To make matters worse she called me out publicly, as a taunt, writing about me on her facebook wall.
THIS MESSAGE IS FOR AMBER. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU
I did not reply. I kept my private life private and I went on with my life with him. I tried to stop looking back on the past, but the uncertainty for my future eventually became too much. I began trying to chase every threat away until he began to consider that he might not have anyone left. He keeps his past loves close in friendship. I wanted them all gone. I began trying to control his relationships. I could see the destruction I was creating, but I could not make myself stop. My closest friends begged me, “Decide to be happy with him. He loves you. You need to trust that.”
I couldn’t trust that. I can’t trust that with anyone and I do not know if I ever will. Love is the only thing that has ever hurt me. So what now?
Now, I want to get married. If you are smart you know that getting married right now is THE STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!!!!! I completely agree and I assure you that it isn’t even an option. Neither one of us is willing to sign up for a lifetime of hurt and if love is the only thing that hurts, well, marriage must be a lifetime of pain. The gays can have marriage. I want to live my life straight.
My straight talk truth is that I will not be happy in ANY relationship unless and until I realize my dreams and know I can make them true. I have a plan that includes a business model that will allow me to make ten million dollars. I gave myself ten years time to work towards it because I know that love is often my undoing. I lose focus. I fall off track. Sometimes I talk myself into believing that love is more important than my goals, that I should sacrifice to make “us” work instead of “me.”
I am no longer willing to be undone. That is the love I have for myself now and he is still here to support me though our relationship is forever changing. “I am not going to make you any promises Amber. I just want you to know that I am here. I am here for you.”
I hate his answer, but it is the right one. It is exactly what I need love to be right now. A love to help me get to where I am going, to that place where a man can say, “I am the luckiest guy in the entire world.” I will not question it because it will be true. I am a woman who handles her business first and my greatest reward has always been a life of love.