I feel like I got thrown from a moving car in some freak accident. I can’t move my arms or my legs, mostly on the count that I have so far still to go and yet I can only make it as far as today. Today things are forever different and I can’t get far enough away from yesterday.
I am thinking about where my life will take me now. The two of us sat together on the couch, sipping coffee, waking up to this day that is no longer US. “What kind of guy do you see me with?” I asked him as we both sat in various stages of reflection.
“I see you with another entrepreneur. Someone who has his sh*t together, someone who is not still trying to figure himself out at mid life.”
I laughed, “Most men are hitting mid life crisis right now. It’s the age I am in. How am I ever going to avoid it?”
“Pick someone like Russel Wilson,” he was smiling like I deserve a super star. “So you know the model he is dating now? He is waiting until he marries her to have sex.”
I feigned horror, “You really want me to be miserable don’t you.” Then I agreed, “It’s probably a good idea if I take your advice. I don’t want a sexual connection with someone. I want to be with a man that I feel such great passion for that the intimacy of our connection supersedes simple sex. There is a distinct difference, like wine with enough time to be vintage. Besides, it seems that sex is what drives most men. Restraint will make it easier to sort through the ones I should not bother with.”
He was proud of me. I can see it in the way his eyes smile. “Men can’t help the drive for sex. It’s just the way men are. Let yourself be known and a man who is your equal heart will find you. You and I just want completely different things in life. I want to live off the land with barely nothing, but what I need to survive and you want to build empires. You should build empires.”
I studied his face, kissing it in my heart like the pattern of my lips would always remember that I didn’t need life to be made of stone and fortress. I would have traveled the world with him in freedom, writing books along the way. Except he didn’t want the same kind of adventure. He wants to face nature and know he is still a man. He wants to hunt and to fish. He wants to wake to the quiet of his own thoughts, without expectation and need.
“You should go to the gym,” he said at last. “Get your workout in now before business takes you away from your goal. You have a fitness challenge to win.”
“I don’t want to go.” I said quietly.
“You need to,” he encouraged.
“OK. I am going….”

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