“You need to get some sleep Amber,” he lectured me this morning as I buried my face into his chest to cry another good-by on ground hogs day. Every day is the same without him. Every night is too.
Every together we have now is without him. Without him is a predetermined destination to nowhere. It doesn’t matter if the train makes it back to the station. The journey is done and I can’t sleep the demons away. This night I fell asleep at an early seven thirty only to wake a few hours later.
UP… in the middle of the night.
I did not go back to bed. Instead, I sat up in my bed which is not his bed. His bed is upstairs and mine is downstairs. I am down in the basement of kicked to the curb and aren’t you lucky he did not kick your happy ass out?
“When are you moving out?” my friends ask me like I should be gone already and many of them insist that I hurry. “Quit crying over this guy that doesn’t want you. Move on. Move out. Be done.”
Except, I have no where to go and this is the closest to home I have had in years. This is not me feeling sorry for myself. It’s just the flat out God honest truth of what my life is by independence. If I move out it will be to a house that is empty and any roommate a stranger. I have lived with a Craigslist stranger before. It was like living in Walmart.
I climb the stairs to find coffee in the kitchen we share. I decide to see if he is still up because I can see light coming from his room. He can’t sleep in the light, so I think that he is up. It looks like he is from my vantage in the frame of the door. One knee is up and his other leg is long. I can see the shape of his toes under the tent of the sheet which is made of scruffy white flannel and tweed. The T.V. is on, but he is sleeping. I turn it off as I close the door behind me.