My heart is now in my hands again, or in my lap. I was doing so good for a moment and then I realized that he is gone for Montana. I heard him tell me good-bye, but for some reason I thought he would need to come back to the house for one last check. It’s 10:20 now. He is well long gone and the house is empty.
 
I hate that every day with him is good-bye. I hate that I am not on the trip we had planned to meet his mother. I was supposed to be going to meet her and now I am not. He wanted me to go as his friend and I am not his friend. I am the woman that loves him and I hope I am not the last to love him at this depth because he should be loved. People think he doesn’t deserve me, but what do they know about him other than that he rarely let’s me have my own way?
 
It has taken every conviction to stand for the respect and honor he could not allow me with an open heart. Every fight we have ever had has been me standing up to say, “I am the best thing that ever happened to you and you should want my every joy.” Do unto others… #love
 
I asked myself how long a woman should stay a girlfriend and my true answer is never. I am not a girlfriend. I am a wife. I have always been the girl you should marry.
 
But then love is patient and I have not been. I am selfishly pursuing my needs, but then what of his? Does he really need to live alone in solitude in the woods because as of yesterday I learned it is entirely possible.
 
I met a woman who is a primitive skills teacher. She laughed when she heard that we broke up because the guy I love wants to live in a cave in the woods. “I can totally relate to that!,” she was vivacious and totally happy. “I had to break up with my boyfriend of eight years because he refused to come out of the woods. We lived there for all that time, making temporary shelters and primitive fire. I thought he would want to come back to civilization someday but he never did. I hate that I had to leave him, but I love knowing he is happy.” Sigh…
 
There ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone. Can’t I just burn down all of the cities and replant life with a forest?