My body hurts and it’s not from yesterday’s workout. It hurts from the inside out, like there are fingers inside of my chest trying to pull apart my ribs. The fitness challenge forum on Facebook has been a buzz all day with excitement and women who are all pumped. They are jacked, and I feel like I just got sacked by the quarterback. I’m not trying to say I got lucky either. I feel like I got punched in the belly with a bulldozer.
I will not gain ground on my emotions until I fuel myself with the right nutrition. I need to make myself eat and yet the sick inside keeps winning until I just feel more sick. The happiest high of my life is born from being healthy and fit, but while I am degraded to this condition there can be no fix. I feel like a junkie at the rock bottom of everything. Except I know I have been lower than this low. Why is it so hard to pull myself back up?
Today has been stressful. My business has been demanding that I sit and sort. I hate that sort of thing. I spent half the day trying to find missing and important files and as the hours passed I felt my middle grow further into a guilt twisted knot until the burning took over all ambition. Now I want to turn myself off.
I scroll the fitness feed on facebook and it is intense. These ladies are fierce and motivated, dialed in and calling shots. Some are already pushing big weight and our first workout was yesterday. I did not use any weight. I didn’t even have an efficient workout because I was learning the moves and doing the routine at the same time. There was no good flow. I am not yet dialed in and comfortable.
4:09pm. I’ve eaten a chicken breast and I had coffee. I carry the food plan menu around with me. That’s about as good as it is going to get for now…