7:24 pm. The Oxygen Magazine fitness contest has begun and I feel alone and empty. I feel stupid for even wanting to win and I do want to win the cover of the magazine. Then I ask myself if I am willing to do what it will take to succeed. Then I wonder if I really want to be that fit and if I care about fitness at all.
I’d really like to spend all of my time writing. I am not an athlete. I am not a fitness chick. I am a nerdy wallflower. I don’t even like the gym and I most especially do not like to run. You might think I am joking because I have been blogging about fitness for three years now and everyone knows that I run. I am even a certified personal trainer. Of course I should love fitness and I should especially care about my health.
What if I told you that health is not my motivation. What if I told you that I do things that are bad for me just because they feel good and I know I am going to die anyway. Like the pizza I polished off a few days back. They gave us a free upgrade to a larger size. A FAMILY sized pizza for just him and me. I ate half of that sucker and then the two of us grubbed on ice-cream.
Who is he? Who is my partner in pizza eating crime? He is Jack Sprat. His body is long and lean. He’s super fast like a cheetah cat and when we met two years back I was his gazelle to chase. Many of our first dates included running and I will tell you something. I loved to run back then. The two of ran for miles and miles with the wind in our hair and smiles on our faces. I felt alive. I felt fresh. I felt healthy, good, pure, and strong.
Now everything has gone terribly wrong until the two of us are split and I am fat again. He runs circles around me when we do run together which isn’t often. We don’t work out together anymore either. He likes to do Insanity at home and I go to the gym. We were in this pattern for sometime before the relationship ended or changed. We haven’t been a couple in weeks, but he is still the kindest man I know. He told me today, “I did you a favor Amber. Someday you will thank me for making you let me go. I was holding you back.”
Just between you and me I want to beat his head in when he talks like that. I’m also tired of crying, but I do cry every day because I am pissed that life is taking us away from each other and I do not want to be strong on my own. I have been strong on my own. Why do I need to hold life up by myself?
I’m not though. He still loves me with care. Just now he came downstairs with food he made me. “Fuel for your workout.”
DINNER: He made me a chicken and vegetable stir-fry, tossed with olive oil. There is fresh broccoli and sweet onion and too much of some sauce, but I am not complaining.
SNACK: Coffee and an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie 🙂
LUNCH: I thought to myself. “You came into the kitchen to cook. DO NOT EAT THAT POTATO CHIP!!” I took off the lid and I popped a Pringle, sour cream and onion flavor. My mind was screaming, “DON’T.” So I ate another. Then I ate one more. Then I poured some coffee and forgot to eat.
SNACK: That cookie looks good. More coffee.
BREAKFAST: The meal plan has been printed and will be implemented tomorrow. I need to look up the protein count for the eggs she has written because I won’t eat eggs or tofu. I am going to substitute with chicken breasts. I need to look up Ezekiel bread to research the health benefits.
8:18 These blogs take time to write. I still need to hit the gym…
I need to drink water and I need to go to the grocery store.Tomorrow I want to be dialed in. Today was a hot mess, but at least I am in the race.
I need to remember to upload my before pictures before the 19th.
My best with smiles,
THE LIFE YOU LIVE IS A CHOICE