8:09 pm #day2

I don’t think my fitness coach likes me very much. How’s that for ego. There are nearly 2,000 members on our fitness challenge team and today I decided that I am the one that is hated. How stupid is that!! and untrue. Of course she does not hate me. She doesn’t even know who I am!!! I am a tiny little ant. Yes, that’s right, I am a bug under her shoe to be stepped on.

It’s a really good thing people can’t read my mind or they might think I am insecure and we all know that insecurity is NOT attractive. Neither is jealousy. That’s what I want to write about tonight. I want to talk about the ugliest faces I have and why I sometimes wear them.

I am not secure right now, but I am a secure person. I know I am a secure person because I’ve researched the subject. It just so happens that I am an expert by Google search. The article I found on emotional security says that we can become more emotionally secure by implementing a series of six life habits. My face lit up in a HUGE smile to see that I am proficient in all six. 1) apologize 2) Go ‘Second Position 3) Accept Failure 4) Handle self-criticism 5) Step back 6) Focus on happiness, not being right

I am a master of all of those things, but I am not secure in life and I am not safe in it either. If I were to describe the experience of being around or close to my center right now with only one word it would be INTENSE. My ex boyfriend says it’s like trying to hold the sun and my daughter admitted that she is so stressed out she sometimes breaks down and cries. I have fifty-fifty custody and yet she prefers her dad because he makes her feel SAFE.

Me, I am standing up against a wall so nothing can stab me in the back. My chest is heaving, my knuckles are white, I have blade in between my teeth that I can throw if I need to and two fist fulls of bloody hell you better get me before I get you because I am NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!

I am living life like an OG gansta and it’s funny because white people can not relate to how far I have been jumping to try fit into some Jordan’s. Do you even know what I just said or do you have to think about it? It’s Ok if it’s over your head. It’s over my head too and yet I am stuck here in my own riddle trying to make my dreams real when I am not tall enough to hit pro hoops or beautiful enough to live life like a pretty pampered princess. Maybe I should be scrubbing floors like Cinderella and if I do will you send me some cute little mice in clothes to be my friends when people are mean and my prince is lost?

It’s all about perspective isn’t it. I never thought I would be homeless until I was. I never thought I would be divorced until I was. I never thought I would be an absent parent and now I am. I write this as my daughter is in the next room coughing with a cold and a mild ear infection. I feel like an absent parent because she is a teenager who is grounded in her own full life. #13 I remember a time when I held her so close that I built my world around her like a nest.

I do not have a nest anymore. I keep going out for straw to build a new one but the storms keep coming. I can’t relax because I am preparing for the next one, and the next one, and the next…

Sometimes I am jealous of people who have brick houses. Sometimes I am jealous of wolves.