9:25am… What time is it in Montana?
My hands are shaking as I look down at my phone and realize that he is not going to say good morning today, just as he never said good night the night before. All the power I felt inside of my core is suddenly gone and I am crying and hurt and savage and raw and God dammit why does it have to be this way. Please do not take my angel away.
I beg God to listen to me. I ask him to hear my heart cry and when I do I trust that he has the answer. Except answers never come. I sit here in silence wanting to lose myself and then there is the voice inside that says, “Don’t give up dear heart you are winning.”
I do not feel like I am winning. I feel like I have been cast out of light and into shadows. I feel like a ghost. I feel like the death of all things and yet I am still here living and nothing is as it should be. Nothing can be right because it isn’t right and it isn’t fair. I do not want life to be what it is until I want to walk away from it all.
I put up dating profiles on the day he told me he would never change his mind about us. It was the only thing I could do to keep myself from drowning in the sea as I watched him stand alone on his island as he pushed me away from his shore.
“Don’t you know I will die out here?” I screamed at him while he was still close enough to see my face. “Please, Please do not do this.” I was frantic as I tried to get out of the boat, which was already rocking in water too deep.
His face was stone. The same face that was my face to kiss when it was warm, but it was cold now. He moved like a man removing a corpse from the mortuary. “Good-bye Amber.”
It wasn’t long until there was only water left. I filled the ocean with my tears.