It hurt me to know he had peace. Then I asked myself if I should love him that way, to regret that his soul feels free now that he is unburdened by our relationship. He wrote to her about me…
“Hi You 🙂 Hope all is well with you. Happy? Not there yet, but yes, I’m on the path. It’s one I’ve realized I must walk alone, until I find what I seek. Only then can I commit of myself to another, if I choose. And I might not choose to do that. Hence, Amber and I are no longer together (romantically). Obviously, you got wind of that. When I decided to move on from her, at that moment, I felt a huge weight lifted from my body and mind. Since I decided to end things, my stress level has gone down 90%. Well, I’m going to get ready for my day. You can send that email…”
Of course I know this because I hacked his Facebook account like the stalker I accused her of being, except I am nothing like her, and yet I am like her. I understand why she held on the way she did. He left her with hope when he shouldn’t have. He doesn’t leave me with hope and it is a kindness. We are no longer a couple and it’s the best thing that ever happened to us.
I don’t want him to date that particular woman EVER and I do mean that in the most severe way. I also know that it’s none of my business and yet it is. He is my friend and it’s a relationship I cherish. He can’t be friends with the girl who pushed me in the mud and then said she would pray for me. Of course, I know that he can do what he wants, but I can also call him stupid and tell him that my friends are way cooler than his friends. I will also stick my tongue out him, and tell him I want to stab him in the face. Yes, I have the right to act juvenile. I’m getting old. Why not? F*ck it.
He told me that he wants to find that man who honors the vision he has for his life and his soul is meant to walk in the quiet of nature. Except nature is not really quiet and it’s never a walk when you are with him. It’s bloody hard work, with boulder climbing, mountain cliffs, rivers forged and life without trails. It’s scratched legs and branches lashing faces as we rip through forest tangle, while our feet sink into old growth forest. It’s away from men and women both. It’s not about romantic love. It’s about loving life.
We need to be free to journey and I know just as he knows that we both have some soul searching to do. We also need to have some adventures on our own because when there was two of us as a couple our circle became really, really, small. This does not mean that a relationship needs a social parade to thrive, it means that souls require varied stimulation and content. I am not very good at sharing, or shall I amend that to say, I wanted to have lots of friends and I wanted him to be my friend only. That’s the truth of what I feel and of course I know it’s not right. At least I am honest about it.
Now I don’t get anything I want with him. He can do whatever he wants and branch out. He is doing exactly that. He is making plans, making new friends, he is growing more social, which is interesting because he tends to be more introverted. He is thriving and that is the love I have for him. Love needs room to grow and romance is following your true bliss. We are both now free to move about the country and the first place I want to visit is New Zealand.