ALONE IN A LONELY ROOM

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I have a headache. I’m also getting goo all over my keyboard as I seem to think slurping an orange and typing at the same time is a smart idea. I’m such a slob. Seriously, why am I still sitting at this computer? I need to get up to drink some water. My kitchen is a mess. I really need to get a life that is not plugged in. Where is my mother to make me go outside and play?

The house is empty while I work. Josh and Kai are floating the river with friends on tubes they borrowed from me. I still have not had time to make it out, but I am glad to know they are enjoying them. I tried to decide if I am jealous, but the truth is that there is no where else that I would rather be right now. Right now I am enthralled in the work I am working on. I am also really, really tired. I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke up feeling dread. Today I feel nearly hopeless. I’ve been fighting off tears for most of the day. I am sure it’s hormones. What’s the date today? Being a woman is stupid.

My emotions are bullsh*t. I feel things I don’t want to feel when I don’t want to feel them. Today for example, I was missing Josh something fierce, and he was sitting right in front of me. He’s still around for me to enjoy, but it’s different. We had routines and things we did as a couple, things like going to bed together or watching the news in bed over coffee. Now I knock to see if I can come in and then I ask for permission to sit down to watch too. I used to burst with joy to see him. I’d cover his face with kisses like an excited puppy. Now I flirt and he tells me it’s not appropriate.

Life certainly keeps me in my place doesn’t it. How big are my britches now? I walk out to meet the world and everywhere I look I see people attached to other people. Couples of all sorts, of all ages, and many of them with children in tow. Where is my own daughter? She’s grown up and moved on with her life already. Thirteen and she’s free of the nest, or that’s how I feel by the swiftness she has flown to be active and social. I was expecting her today, but then she got invited to attend Seahawks training camp. I couldn’t imagine saying no.

It’s nearly three o’clock now. I need to get ready for my niece’s birthday party. Is it terrible that I do not feel like shopping or a gift? Is is bad that I do not feel like going? Is it bad that I don’t want to talk to anyone or to be seen at all? Today I want to be in my cocoon. Today I want to be alone in my lonely room.

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