Of course it is hard for me to live with my ex-boyfriend. I think the only thing worse would be not living with him. I try not to think about that day, the day he is gone forever. The day I will leave.
When I think about that day I can not hold joy at the same time. My heart simply can not accept life that has him missing from my adventures, from my memories. I look forward to his company like a girl waiting for the ice-cream truck. He pulls up in his jeep, coming home from work, and I am elated. I can’t wait to see his face again.
These are my feelings for him. I do not know why he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I do not understand much of who he keeps private, which is most of him. I try to make sense of all the things he won’t tell me, but there is none. Unless of course I ask the stars for clues. I can research him by his birth date.
“The Virgo man seeks perfection and the game of love is his pet project when it comes to chasing ideals. He is not flighty, or inconstant. A Virgoan will only fall in love after he has applied his mind to the situation at hand, exploring all the pros and cons, all the cracks, flaws, and strengths of an emotional investment. His practical and sensible nature fails to understand the romance in candlelit dinners and spontaneous weekend trips overseas. However a Virgo man in love will schedule his entire methodically planned life around you, call when he says he’s calling, bend over backwards to be a better man, person, father, and lover to you and protect, honor, and serve you. Not a bad exchange, really.”
Yes, I love all of those things and he is true to his birth right. I know exactly why we are no longer a couple. Our love was not perfect and he is not sure that my life plans will fit with his life plans. It was also me who broke up with him and I have done it more than once. If I were a practically minded Virgo man I would imagine that being dumped is one hell of a relationship flaw.
“Let’s just be done.” I was the one that let the words out of my mouth and I do not regret them. What we had been was not working and that fact has little to do with love. Our relationship had hit such a big road block that I wasn’t enjoying him as much anymore. He wasn’t so handsome, he wasn’t so great, he wasn’t really trying, and I was doing everything. I began to resent him. I became increasing insecure and also snide. There were times that being around him agitated me, the things I loved previously were bothersome. I was getting fat again and our sex life had slowed down to him explaining to me that we are just both tired. “I’m not tired,” I grumbled back in frustration.
I was tired though. I was tired of not being a queen on her throne and that is exactly the position I see myself in when I am loved. Then he reminds me that love is not ego. That is the lesson he teaches me now and there have been many in our short time together. My ex-boyfriend is a tremendous teacher, though he can be a bit intolerant. He says I drive him crazy and I do. I already know what buttons to push and I pick on him relentlessly. I do so because he is better for it.
Many people do not understand my choice to love him, just as he can’t understand why I do. “If I make you so unhappy then why don’t you just do something about it!?” He yelled the question some weeks before I broke up with him. I remember looking at him in that moment and thinking, “What action do you want me to take? Do you want me to break up with you because what I am trying isn’t helping.”
By trying I mean that I kept trying to communicate, to talk about what I was feeling and why. The results of those talks were disastrous. He always took them personally and in the worst way. He listened to my words and he felt torn down, like what he was doing and who his is as a person is not enough or not right for me. I implored him to understand that I wasn’t trying to attack him, or to change him. I was simply trying to teach him about how my mind works. I was trying to help us both navigate each other.
Meanwhile his ex-wife and mother of his son was emailing to chastise him for all of his lousy choices. Her pattern became one of internet berating, several times a week. Everything he did was wrong and most of it was directly tied to me being in their life. She wrote to say she was deeply concerned for their poor boy who was being scarred by our relationship. “I think it is irresponsible for you to have moved a new stepmom in without considering how it would impact our son. He comes home and cries alone in his room. He tells me that you and Amber argue sometimes. Me and my boyfriend do not have that problem. We never fight.”
There it was, our relationship was a problem. Our relationship was not perfect. The two of us were baffled and also floored by her accusation. My boyfriend’s son did not seem unhappy at all. He seemed like the happiest kid on the planet. We were both concerned because the idea of his son like that was devastating. We sat him down to talk, one time together, and another separate. He indicated to his dad that he was struggling with bit of jealousy, but he promised that he liked me.
“Your son hates me,” my attitude quickly turned to that.
He tried to talk me out of it, “No, that’s not true. He likes you a lot.”
I couldn’t hear it. I didn’t believe it. I was hurt. I was angry. I was defeated and I felt like I was becoming the wicked, instead of the loving soul I am. I was especially angry to have met him before he had married the mother of his child. I was incensed to know that she intends to destroy every relationship he nurtures, because for her, his failure is redemption. She is winning. We are losing.
“Let’s just be done.” I said the words out loud a few months after he ex-wife began her email campaign to break us up. It was after a completely unrelated argument, but it was one that made me realize that we needed space and also that I was no longer a priority.
He was relieved to hear me say the words. He agreed. “Let’s be done.”
I cried for weeks after that, but a month later things are now measurably better. Of course I love him. There is not any part of him I do not accept, that I do not love. I still feel exactly the way I did when I first realized I loved him. I want to spend my time with him. He is the biggest joy of my day, like a treasure that is only mine. Except now he is not mine. I write that and I feel better about not owning him. When we were a couple outside forces were trying to split us up. When we were a couple I could not write blogs like this because they are a betrayal to our relationship, to privacy. When we were a couple there was so much pressure and too much expectation.
I am insulted when people tell me I deserve more, or I can do better. I know they mean well, and it could even be true. I am insulted because you can’t do better than love and it is an unconditional animal. I love him and that ruling stands. My love does not mean I will have the good grace of wishes coming true. I love him to want his every joy and his heart keeps pointing to life alone in the woods. He doesn’t want me, her, or anybody. I can’t say that I blame him. As soon as it was clear we loved each other the world began tearing us apart. Now we can love free of that. Of course he loves me. We let each other go because it was the only way to keep us safe. Friendship is a whole lot less complicated.