My dear Joshua,
You wrote me a love letter on Christmas that you asked I never share with any public. The gift you gave was for me. Our lives do not belong to anyone else. They do not need to know.
Won’t it be nice to retire someday, to the quiet of life without civilization? Except I am rather fond of civilization just as I am confounded by it. I want you to know that I Googled the word ‘confounded’ to make sure that it really was the right choice to describe the alternative to the love I have for people.
I want to be public because I have a story to tell. I told you some years ago that someday I would write the greatest love story ever written. I remember that you looked back at me, quiet. You said, “We will see what happens.”
You assumed that I was going to write about us, just like it is assumed that my ten million dollar plan is about money. Maybe I am misunderstood by perspective? Maybe my quest has always been value.
How do I describe value in a way that all people understand? Do I need to put my face on every dollar to live life well spent? What is important to me? Are the same things important to you?
Voices are powerful. They are more powerful than any dollar spent politically. I know a lot of people who choose to fume in silence rather than to take action. Do you know that saying, “She’s all talk and no action.”
Speaking is an action. Words change everything. I know because I live my life out loud. I especially like writing about things that people should not write about… politics, religion, sex, and…
It is rumored that we are all free to speak here in America. I vehemently disagree as I am muzzled on a near regular basis by people who love me. Not everything needs to be said. Words are an action. Sometimes silence is required for peace. Not always, but sometimes.
I started writing long before I met you, but by the time you were real everything had changed. Many people blame my writing for my divorce. My blog was a controversy upon the title. “The Adventures of Rubber My Yellow C*ck.”
Do you know I cringe inside every time I see that title. That one choice took me from honorable to trash and it was I who sullied my reputation.
But I believe in the comedy of error. I remember that when every thing was falling apart that I dug in. I absolutely REFUSED to quit carrying around that rubber chicken. It became my symbol for the justice that would be served when I had time to write the whole story… so people would understand.
I assumed that if I could only explain the world would understand…
The world couldn’t possibly. The world is too big to even care and what the f*ck do I care about the world anyway? ATLAS. I am not meant to carry that weight.
Amy Schumer was in Seattle recently. People pay money to hear her stand on stage making jokes about getting drunk and sleeping with people. It’s funny right? Everyone loves Amy because she is believable and funny. What if I were that kind of funny? What would my daughter think about me?
It’s difficult to live life thinking about everyone else as consequences. Knowing that every choice has a judgment that may or may not result in favor. Love is an example of the that. What if we fall in love with the wrong person?
What makes a person wrong? Do you see how we dance in and out of right and wrong?
This is what you need to understand about me. I live my life feeling and feelings and rationality are two very different things. I stopped worrying about why the feelings are there a long time ago. There is no fault. There is no blame. I just know that I wake up every day to an emotional journey. I am not numb, nor do I let it interfere with my rational path.
Communication is an art. It is difficult because trust is so delicate. Can we believe? Love is that delicate, just as faith is tested. You and I are solid. Beyond any vow except the first one I gave you. I love you. Constantly. Honoring it is the greatest value I know. Happy New Year 2016