“It’s OK. I understand.” That’s all I had to say in reply to the truth. He is planning to cheat on me. He couldn’t deny it either. The closest he could come was to text me, “Just so you know I didn’t meet anybody or do anything.”
I sat there staring at my phone wondering at his choices, most especially the stage of the betrayal. He was trying to make me feel better by explaining that nothing had happened yet, nothing physical anyway. So far it was just words on paper, a few texts back and forth, and then the email I had found. The email warning someone of needing extreme caution, “Texting isn’t safe. My girlfriend snoops on my phone.”
Of course I called him right away. I called him as soon as I realized that he plans to step outside of our relationship. I called to give him permission. I called to tell him to use the front door. “You don’t need to sneak around. If you want to sleep with other people then sleep with other people. You could have just told me. I do not love you any less.”
Maybe that is what he is afraid of? Or maybe he is afraid that someone else will love me more? It doesn’t really matter what caused the sneaking because he was. He was sneaking like a snake in the grass instead of standing like a man with strong legs. I fell in love with the man who has strong legs. He has strong legs.
What can I tell you of my love for him other than to describe the pain it has caused me? It’s uncomfortable and debilitating to hold such admiration for a person, to cherish and delight in moments that become wishes for a lifetime. If all of our time together equaled forever I still would not, could not, get enough of his company, of his friendship. I miss him when he is in the other room. I can’t wait to see him again and it’s been that way always.
Always but not forever. Forever is not mine until I wonder how long I will feel this empty pain and longing? Can’t I please have my yesterday back? The yesterday before knowing?
“It’s OK. I understand.”