It took more than a small amount of courage to admit my faults publicly. I knew better than to post my personal life for public scrutiny and yet that is exactly what I did five years ago. I sat down in front of my computer and I began to write the truth about my life. Then I posted it on Facebook.
It was a horror by my telling. The details that I chose to share were chilling until those who were reading did not know what to say other than, “I am sorry.”
I’m sorry does not mean much to me anymore. It’s a pity. It’s a shame that apologies go hand in hand with apathy. It’s a condition to have empathy for and I do. I am sorry that there is reason to be sorry. Now on with it. None of us have time to be moping about feeling sorry for ourselves.
I’m sorry is not going to put food on the table. I’m sorry is not going to keep a roof over my head. I’m sorry is not going to ever make me happy nor will it ever be the reason I concede forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the gift I give myself so that I do not become a stone cold killer. Forgiveness is the grace that keeps me human when I would prefer to be savage revenge and justice at the same time. Forgiveness is the cure to my own bitterness. It is relief for a soul tattered from years of festering wounds long green and in need of amputation. Forgiveness is pain cut out and removed.
The only person that I have never been able to forgive in life is myself. I have no tolerance for my own short comings. I am disgusted by them. Asking me to love my flaws is like asking a man who has just been paralyzed to love life knowing that he will never feel his legs again or his manhood. You can rationalize adaptation all you want to but at the end of the day the truth is clear. If I accept my short comings as reality then that is what I will become: a man living life without an erection. Some fates are simply unacceptable.
When I am honest with myself I know that I am most unhappy about what I am unwilling to change. This is what I would like to work on today:
GOALS FOR THE DAY
Carson Porter was phenomenal to work with. He is a gallant and dashing young man, charming and sweet to his mother. I felt completely blessed to have had the opportunity to take his senior pictures. His mother called me to book because I took his sister’s senior pictures several years back and she loved them. When she called to book her session I offered her son the opportunity of being a studio model. I explained to her that my invitation was more of a gift to save her money on pictures than it is an obligation.
“We accept and invite a select few each year as studio models. Usually one or two students from each high school If Carson is accepted into our modeling program he will earn a $150 credit towards an hour photo shoot. His yearbook photo will be included in that credit. That image will be delivered to his school by our photography studio. He also has the opportunity to earn studio gift cards for referrals that book photo shoots from his promotion. “
WHAT DOES A STUDIO MODEL DO?